Solitaire Excitement

As previously revealed in my last ultra thrilling post, I am hibernating this week.  

Hibernation = lots of doing nothing, and one of my favorite nothings to do is play Solitaire on my iPhone.  

I can literally do this for hours.  The games are timed, which means I feel a sense of thrill as I try to beat my previous Bests, so I can strut around my single-occupancy house and rub it in my own solitary little face.

But as I become more and more of a Solitaire Champ, I'm noticing a trend in their advertising campaign—Sure, I could probably have an ad-free Solitaire app for 99cents, but Hibernation Lauren would rather spend that 99cents at Donut King. 

Every time I gloriously conquer a game of Solitaire, I have to click “No Thanks” to a pop up ad, all of which seemed designed to remind me of the fact that I am playing Solitaire      alone.

You know what, Iphone?!  

I’M NOT ALONE!  I’M NOT ALONE!  I’M NOT ALONE!

I have plenty of excellent communication with the outside world. 

But I guess the iPhone just assumes I am a lonely, secluded, and desperate person because of the HOURS upon HOURS I spend playing solitaire.  

So really I guess it’s trying to help me out.

I can’t help but worry that these two people are actually fifteen years old, because they are both wearing black.

And, if I want more than just a wide-chinned man to run on a beach with, I can actually find a SOULMATE.

And if I don't know where to go from there, well-- the iPhone knows!

Now, by this point my iPhone is understandably confused about why I have yet to click.

  What solitaire addict WOULDN’T want to run on the beach with her manly soulmate, then have an irresistibly close heterosexual experience?!  

Oh.  A gay one.  Obviously.

And yet, I still opt for “no thanks” and move on to beat my best time. 

What’s with these ads, any way?  I mean… some of them really do make perfect sense. 

I mean, nothing makes me feel more worshipful and close to heaven than listening to Taylor Swift. 

But then, it gets out of hand. 

JUST BECAUSE I GIVE A THUMBS UP to Tal Bachman does not mean I have any interest in this:

Help you breed baby animals?  I’m sorry, that just sounds incredibly dirty and messy and quite possibly illegal.

I mean, I realize that my iPhone knows all: It monitors my text messages, sees my google searches that I delete out of embarrassment, and follows me wherever I go, but I really do wish it would just get out of my head and leave me alone.

Yeah, alone.