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| I occupy too many worlds, and my mind is under siege. |
This week, the battle is between “writer Lauren” and “oh my
gosh how do you plan on supporting yourself Lauren.”
The tension is mounting. A clash is inevitable.
I love when I'm focused on my writing—planning, revising,
researching literary agents, all of that—but then out of nowhere, the panic
hits.
Boom!
What are you doing?!
Me?
Yeah, you, what’s the plan?
The plan?
Yeah, you’re not going to just keep on like this are you?
Aren’t I?
Am I ?
Oh my gosh!
WHAT AM I DOING?!
I used to possess a certain level of arrogance that I had willingly--brilliantly-- strayed so far off the beaten track.
But let’s be real here—I didn’t stray, I fled from the path with only
the clothes on my back.
In
college, I’d scoff at business majors. Placing a derisive emphasis on their
chosen degree—“yeah, he’s nice and all but he’s a BUSINESS major”
*cue the
rolling of my eyes.*
I had friends who were pre-med, accounting, marketing...
And I pitied them.
Seriously, I couldn’t help feeling bad for them that they had chosen
such a dull course for their lives.
Because I—I! was going to be writer! I didn’t need any sort of marketable degree, I could get the
most random-ass degree in African American Studies simply because it was
interesting.
When people looked at
me with doubt and said “But you’re white... What’re you going to do with an African American Studies degree?” I'd proudly and assuredly declare “Nothing, I’m going to be a
writer, duh.”
*more eye rolling*
Then, I ran off to trot the globe with no real aim in sight,
other than evicting a broken mindset and detoxing off of repressed emotions,
and when I came back, things were different.
I haven’t been rolling my eyes nearly as much.
I'm not looking down on reasonable people who have
their futures in mind, who have some sort of security, an actual career path, a
plan.
I no longer have these strange delusions that there is a
magical city or a therapeutic country out there that if I can only get there
will suddenly make life easy, doable, less difficult. Because I tried that, and no matter where you go—there you
are.
My eyes don’t roll. They squint in anguish.
No, okay not really.
I think what’s happened here is that I’m growing up.
I guess it’s about time.
I’m 25.
While talking with a coworker the other day, I started labeling the last few years of my life as “the year of____” and I couldn’t help
but notice that every successive year since 22 has only gotten better and
better. Even when 2009 was
TERRIBLE, it was an improvement on feeling nothing in 2008. Then I escaped in 2010 and realized what I valued in 2011. Now it’s
2012 and the Mayan Apocalypse is looming, and I’m caught somewhere between
worrying about querying agents and publishing contracts and who to put in the
acknowledgments section of my best-selling book, and the paralyzing fear over the future of my non-writery life.
I'm looking at a long list of really awful sounding adult things in my future, and I’m needing
to find a way to balance the “aspiring author” lifestyle with the “saving for a
down payment on a house” lifestyle.
I wish I could stop worrying about the future.
Or, I wish I could stop wanting to write.
Neither of these are
likely to happen.
So I need to
figure out some measure of balance.
Suggestions? Ha...
21 comments:
The problem with writing is that you're not guaranteed a salary so it's normal for you to worry.
I also worry, especially as I destroyed all my chances of getting into medicine.
*hugs* Your years have been getting better so who knows, 2012 might be a fantastic year for you.
I read this somewhere: "You will always worry about life. The only time you won't worry is when you're five feet underground".
You need to be positive (i don't know why I'm saying this. I'm the most pessimistic person on the planet). The way I see it, the world is full of many possibilities and any of them could happen so work on trying to grab onto the possibilities. And yes, I listen to motivational videos.
By the way, 2012 is not the Mayan Apocalypse. The Mayans didn't finish their calendar because they died. I'll be honest though, the possibility of the world ending does scare me quite a bit.
Maybe we could all be worried together!!
And this is why I'm going to study Law. Even though I hate Law. And now I'm back to worrying.
What's your job now? Is it writer-y?
I was just like you when I was in college. I'm 65 now. Still writing. Still not published (well, I've self-pubbed a book of short stories). I worked all these years and tried writing in my spare time, but spare time is very rare when raising a family. I'm not much better off now than I was 45 years ago (financially). When you live with a divided mind, it's hard to be successful at anything. My advice: keep writing as much as you can as long as you can (and write for the market, at least at first). Oh yeah, marrying rich would help too.
haha! Richard, I love your last bit of advice!
I understand your worry and your anxiety! I won't attempt to offer any advice because I make a much better listener than therapist. You'll get life figured out.
Oh, so that is YOU at the other end of this boat!
As an aspiring actor (HAH!) who also plans to write and things, I totes feel you. And I have also had my fair share of anxiety lately, related to all manner of issues with money and success and personal freedom and living arrangements and too little sleep and et cetera. You know what I discovered from all of that? I'm really great at making myself feel absolutely sick to my stomach and vomitrocious with worry. It's not a good feeling, it's not healthy, and it basically turns my Productivity Dial down to negative six-thousand.
Which is why I am now focusing a whole lot more on creating balance and relaxation in my routine. Because those things that you have to do to follow your dreams? Researching agents, working on your stories, saving money and starting a budget, all that jazz--that doesn't change. Worry, however, is not a prerequisite for getting shit done. So if the WORK is going to stay the same, no matter what mood you are in, you might as well do what you can to give yourself a break. You'll find doing the work more enjoyable and more profitable, because your brain will actually have room in it to dream and discover and wonder, rather than being so chock-full of stress and anxiety and giant squids of anger.
It's something you have to practice. I'm finding this out now--but my anxiety apparently got so bad that I now have very physical responses to stress, more than usual, not the kind that sneak up on you, but the kind that let you know RIGHT THEN that something is amiss. I had this week all planned out and it was looking chill and I was saving money and then an old professor asked me if I could drive two hours to my old college to cover her classes while she returned to her home state for a family funeral, and as much as I would love to help her, the thought of spending that much money on gas for several days and missing paid work days, when I have a big trip for grad school next week (that costs lots of dollars) coming up, my heart literally felt like it had sharp pins shoved through it and I couldn't breathe and my entire body felt like it was stuck through with ice picks. And that was just from thinking about having to make arrangements to afford the trip and the missing work days. I took that as a sign that, as much I love this professor and want to help her, I just can't do it this week. I have this trip happening that I need to pay for and I have my mental and emotional and apparently physical health to worry about.
So yeah. A novel of a comment later, basically I'm just saying to cut yourself some slack. Stress manifests itself in the worst and strangest ways possible. I don't wish the Angry Heart Pins Of Imminent Death on anyone. Especially not attractive and accomplished ladies such as yourself.
No no no!Do not grow up! I grew up way too fast after college, and now I'm almost 30 and am trying to undo it all. Okay, yes I suppose you should plan and save a little. But writing! Writing comes first! Okay, maybe food comes first, but then writing! I was a marketing major. I hated it when I was in college and I hated it when I was out. Continue to rolls your eyes and look down your nose. Those poor accounting saps! Numbers? Psh. Who needs 'em? Unless, of course, you are counting the numbers of millions you are making from your books.
Ahh! Don't you hate it when your mind attacks you like that! It can be so discouraging when we look at the future and have no idea what we will be doing or have have anything to grasp onto to make us feel secure about our own control over life.
It is good to look at the past like you are doing and see how far you have come each year.
Whatever happens with your writing, I think you can be sure that it will continue to improve as you are faithful to do it and that you will continue to grow in wisdom as you have over the past years.
Our timelines are often different than we want them to be(pointing to self here), but I definitely don't give the journey enough credit for all the learning that is done in the waiting and the toiling. This is where the sanctification happens and I think in the end, it makes the result that much more gratifying and rewarding.
So don't give up hope! And I'll be trying to chug along right there with you. :)
Just keep writing! You're SO talented and I feel that publication is right around the corner for you, dear friend. Even this post was exceedingly well-written and engaging. I think you're doing everything right, including being awash with doubts. It's part of the writerly package, don't you think? Hang in there. Work hard. Read a lot and make friends in the biz where you can. Your future is so bright I need my sunglasses. :)
Oh man... sounds verrrry familiar... this year I've dedicated to finding balance in my life... I *think* I'm on the right road. *crosses fingers* It's all so much... and a lot to handle. I could go on, but all I'm going to say is: At least we're not alone. (Though it's sometimes hard to remember that) We writers are out there--and we're linked. We all "get" it. :D
Oh! And also new follower... I'm stoked to hear what else you have to say :D Thanks for your comment on my blog too ;)
I'd love to be a writer too, but I know it's not a steady/ guaranteed job. I'm majoring in English and hope to be a professor (and again, not guaranteed job, as there are apparently too many people out there trying to be teachers as well). But keep at it! And yeah, in response to your comment, I do have ideas of how my WIP is going to end but I'm not entirely sure how it's going to end up there. I have lots of ideas but nothing is for certain.
Hmm, no suggestions, but I know the feeling. I say stick to your guns and pursue happiness.
I like Richard's suggestion, to marry rich. It may be the only way. We can't ALL be the next Jo Rowling.
But really, I think you have to go with your gut. Writing is what makes you happy, it's what makes you tick.
Think of it this way: Could you stop writing?
I didn't think so...
Oh, the life of a starving artist. I wish I could stop wanting to write too. Alas, it's not happening. Good luck!
Just please don't ever make a 5 year plan. 5 year plans make me ill. I don't even like a weekend plan, because just as soon as you do something better will come along and then you're stuck bailing on the crappy plan.
We are fortunate to live during the publishing revolution. You can practice your craft, become better. Join critiquing groups. Get a back-log of beta readers and learn. Then, when you have something you're proud of, get it edited then publish it. Commit to two hours a week to writing a novel, say, and pretty soon you will be there. No pressure. YOu don't have to skip, and jump through hoops while rubbing your tummy and belching the latest rap lyrics anymore. YOu are in control of your own writing career. You already have a platform (HERE) and the tools to learn (INTERNET). All you need is the commitment to a few hours a week and bingo - Published author in a year (or two - who's rushing?)
I plan on doing it this year. I'm crapping myself and preparing myself for the onslaught of criticism. But at least it will be a start. Good luck.
Remember this: Only a positive force can drive you forward.
XX
dont grow up...creativity lives in your child! compromise when you need to in orderto keep thechild alive andthe dream infront of youbutnever grow upand forget dreams...live them instead...simply be a writer!
i was thechild who had a caravan inthe garden as an art studio...the girl that did a degree in fine art knitting!!!crochet sculpture...no plan for paying the rent but my child squealed with joy!
i had to do mindnumbing sales jobs...butit did not make me a saleswoman. I became a teacher but my dream did not go...I WAS ALWAYS AND WILL ALWAYS BE AN ARTIST!now i make a living as an artist...real life hascaught up...enjoy being a writer no matter what you do to keep thedream alive xxx
great to find you via the weekend linkup...mine is 'the storm'.
---You. Will. Never. Not. Want. To. Write.
Don't worry. You will know the right thing to do.
Inhale. Exhale. Say a prayer.
But never stop writing....
Oh, how I relate to this. On SO many levels. From the college days and the eye-rolling at "other" majors because "I was going to be a writer!" to the sad realization that actually being a writer is complicated and not so great with the whole "money rolling in" thing.
I have a day job currently. I hate it. It keeps me from doing what I love every second of every day. Which to be honest, I couldn't do. But seriously, I hate having a day job. I want to write. And sometimes I wish I didn't want to write, too.
But I do.
So if you get any good advice, send it my way.
Oh, and awesome post, by the way.
You are a doll! Love your style. You are so blessed to have figured out what you want to be EARLY in life. I didn't figure out I wanted to write until I was like, 40! My advice. Write. A ton. Submit (short stuff--learn to build the dog house before the mansion, one friend advised me). A lot. Read a gazillion books--craft and otherwise. Oh, and go to writing conferences, at least one a year.
...this post, your travels and writerly disfunction, (something I'm all too familiar with myself,) made me smile on a day when an upturned lip was dearly needed.
I envy and truly enjoy your adventures!
El
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