19 January 2012

winter: there will be blood

I seriously hate winter.

And, I know—we’ve had a mild one (knock on wood, whatever) but I still feel incredibly oppressed.  This is the most pointless horrible season, and I’m honestly doubting the sanity of anyone who dares to live an inch further north.

All winter is good for is hiding in your house.

Sure, the fashion is nice: We get pashminas and boot socks, and for a few months we endure fewer bouts of booty shorts and jutting cleavage, but is this worth losing the feeling in my fingers?  Is this worth the frigid draft seeping through the cracks around my windows?

I think not.
September is as good as life will ever get.  October is tolerable, and November is a downward spiral.  By January, my tolerance for life is at an all time low.   
Things that wouldn't provoke me in Autumn or Spring are making me teeter on the edge of violence. 
Like this, at my gym:
  Really?  I mean, really?!  
With all the unbelievably complicated and confusing gym equipment, THIS is what you’ve chosen to explain?!

And then there is my CNN app, which sees fit to interrupt my day with such need-to-know and shocking "BREAKING NEWS" as this:

"8 out of 10 Americans believe economy is in poor shape"
 Is that really a surprise to anyone?  
Perhaps the more shocking part is that 2 out of 10 Americans DON’T.

But the most horrible thing I have encountered lately are
personalized license plates.

These should be illegal—nothing makes me want to run you over more than a pretentious or weirdo license plate.  I honor your right to plaster the back of your car with stickers, but when you go to the DMV and special order a plate, you go to far.

You are either a defense lawyer and thus a slick bastard, or you are someone who was accused of something and felt the need to defend yourself in this bizarre way and are thus overcompensating and thus most definitely GUILTY.
You are either the manager of Cains and thus pathetically devoted to your fried chicken franchise, or you are someone who is obsessed with dipping crinkle cut fries in Cain’s sauce and are thus an emotional eater and thus in need of intense therapy
I don’t even know what to say to this. 
Or this.
Spring, Come Soon.
or there will be blood.


Scarlett said...

I am total agreement about bumper stickers vs personalized plates.

The On ~ Off switch must be, indeed, for those idgits who don't pay the electric bill!

And the little green Hotwheel? Well, all I can say is, "Life is pain. You've got to scrape the joy out of it." ~ Rod Kimble

I think Winter serves one purpose, well maybe two. It forces us to hibernate ~ even if modern technology keeps us warm indoors (if you are so lucky), our bodies and our souls need rest.

That other purpose? In this neck of the woods, it's mosquitos and ticks, of course. A good, hard, long freeze is just what Mother Nature called for to kill all those bloody bastards!


Kamille Elahi said...

I love winter. It makes me more likely to sit inside and study rather than go down to the park or have a BBQ.

I love peronalised plates! They get annoying sure but when I'm driving, I don't tend to see them. I spend more time trying to focus on the not crashing into another car part.

Those eyelashes look stupid though.

Charcoal Renderings said...

Oh my god, I have never seen stand-alone eyelashes on a car like that before in my life ever what.

I think bumper stickers are interesting--I like what they say to me about what the people who put them there THINK it says about them. Like, the car that is covered in a million of them and they are all anti-gay and anti-Obama and anti-everything-ever, and then I see this tiny little old man driving and I'm just like... "Aw. You... aw. You look too tiny and adorably ancient to be so hatefully opinionated."

My favorite bumper sticker EVER though said exactly this, and it was the only one on the car:

"Jesus would slap the shit out of you."

I still have a picture of it on my cell phone. It comforts me.

Lorraine said...

I hate winter and winter is usually a low of 40 degrees where I am. I think Jesus put me in a warm state so I wouldn't punch babies or kick puppies. I should probably put that on a bumper sticker.

L-Kat said...

Oh, I know what you mean! I hate personalized license plates! Grrrr. But I love winter because I get to go ice fishing. Perhaps you need to move somewhere colder so you can ice fish?!??

Lauren Alissa Hunter said...

I have a new one to add: PHONE BOOKS SHOWING UP AT MY DOOR. Seriously, why would anyone need a phonebook, ever? And now I have to pick it up and throw it away, which means I have to spend an extra 4.5 seconds in the frigid 50 degree weather. It's just too much.

Tarrah Clausnitzer said...

Soo glad I'm not the only one posting on this crap winter. I've been snowed in for 3 days. I want summer! Definitely agree on those license plates. Can I add the pretentious bumper stickers to your list?? I'm so tempted to carry a sharpie in my purse when walking through a parking lot full of bedazzeled cars on a soapbox.

B.E. Sanderson said...

OMG, some dippy chick in my town has those car eyelashes - in hot pink, no less. I thought it was just her. People like that should be beaten repeatedly with a bag of grapefruits.

I feel your pain.